my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
