tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
