pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
