This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
