i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
