I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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