i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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