whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
