Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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