Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
