you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize