My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize