Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He better not be in your backpack
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
