Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
