My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
