the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
