If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize