WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
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I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
