went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
