Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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