Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
