i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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