well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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