I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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