I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
