Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
