true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
even my farts smell like vagina
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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