A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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