don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
