Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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