How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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