Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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