I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize