We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
