before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
