after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
