I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
