Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
