Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
