That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
