I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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