Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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