If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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