so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
