I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
