god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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