he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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