Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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