fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
where are you?
Hypothermia
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
