so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
