i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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