Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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