new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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