Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
