I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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