i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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