Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
