Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
