She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
