I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
