apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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