whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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