I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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