he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
is it fun? or sober?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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