I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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